It has been awhile since I've posted anything. I keep meaning to post more and journal more so that my family and friends from afar know what's new with my growing family. It turns out I'm much better at photojournalling-- which I enjoy immensely.
I thought it may be appropriate to share Garrett's Birth Story for those of you who are curious. Many of you know that Jenni's birth was difficult and many of your were praying that this birth would go better. Therefore, I feel it is appropriate to share that all of our prayers were graciously answered!
So just a little disclaimer. .. this is a birth story. Please remember that birth is earthy and if you have a weak stomach, you may want to skip this read. For the rest of you, thanks for reading and for your interest. Thank you for your prayers, love, and support. This pregnancy was especially difficult and I would not have made it through but for the grace of God. I strongly believe that God uses difficult situations especially in my life to grow me. If you know me at all, you know I'm stubborn and strong willed but I am certainly no match for our Maker. He definitely brought me to my knees this past year and I'm thankful for it.
For those of you that don't know, pregnancy is not easy for me. (Of course, I am thankful that I can grow life within me at all). With Jenni, I had morning and evening sickness until 18 weeks followed by gestational hypertension and was almost preeclamtic. I do have a blog post about her birth story in case you're interested. With Garrett, I also had morning sickness and nausea until 18 weeks. I also got the stomach flu pretty badly around then. Thankfully, Jenni dodged that bullet but with the morning sickness and the flu, I actually lost weight. Garrett of course took what he needed and was growing beautifully. In May after a surprise trip to MI, I was hospitalized with viral meningitis.
The hospitalization for meningitis was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced. I think the thing that really helped me get through this scary situation was obviously prayer but the thought of my child. I was so focused on keeping my child healthy that I didn't have time to panic. I still to this day don't think I really grasped the gravity of that situation. It really could have been very dangerous.
I'll briefly share about that scary weekend. I am prone to migraines. I thought I was going to bed with the beginning of a migraine that night. I took some Sudafed and Tylenol and planned to sleep it off. I remember being thankful that it was time to go to bed for that reason. As the night went on, my headache got worse. It started in my forehead and temples and progressed down the front of my face and up the back of my head up to the appex. This was the worst headache I have ever experienced. I just thought it was a migraine until I felt feverish. I had actually called the nurse earlier in the week to confirm that Sudafed was safe during pregnancy and she reminded me that if my temperature went higher than 100.4 to call right away. And so I did. And I'm glad I did. I went right into labor and delivery. Immediately, they monitored the baby and found that his heart rate was very high and too consistent. They want baby's heart rate to accelerate and decelerate because that shows good oxygen intake. I was admitted. We did a CT scan of my head to rule out a bad sinus infection. The reason for this was because I was missing two symptoms of meningitis --dizziness and severe pain to put chin to chest. Once a sinus infection was ruled out, we did a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. I had come into contact with someone who had walking pneumonia during my travels. They were suspecting meningitis after that was ruled out. In order to confirm meningitis, a spinal tap or lumbar puncture had to be performed. That was the most scared I have ever been in my life. By this time, I had been placed on isolation. No one could come visit me. I had to go through this alone, save for the nursing staff. I was told to lay on my side and roll into a ball. That is difficult when you're 25 weeks pregnant but I managed. They did an ultrasound on my spine to figure out exactly where to puncture. They punctured before the area was numb and they missed! First of all it was extremely painful and secondly, my left leg was involuntarily kicking. All the while, I'm trying to keep my silence because of the pain and the doctor is telling me to keep still! I said, I can't! You're hitting my leg! So they took out the needle and tried again. I finally spoke up about the pain and they gave me more numbing medicine. It took them about 3-4 tries before my leg stopped kicking and they got what they needed. This was still my first day in the hospital and I had kept it together emotionally but after that LP, I lost it. I can't remember exactly at what point I called my pastor to ask for prayers but I did. I can't believe I kept it together for that phone call. Anyway, after they take the samples of spinal fluid, they wait to see if bacteria will grow on them to see if the meningitis is bacterial or viral. Until they knew for sure, they put me on antibiotics and tried to get my fever down. They graciously waited until after they knew the baby was safe and my fever had broken to tell me they were no longer considering early delivery. I spent Saturday to Tuesday in the hospital. I was released once they knew it was not bacterial. It was nice to see faces again. Peter and Jenni did come visit me on Sunday. Jenni was very put off by the whole situation. She instinctively knew something was wrong. She cried when she saw me. It was heartbreaking. And what a difference when she came to visit me when Garrett was born! She was shy but happy.
At 30 weeks,I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Admittedly, I was very angry. I thought, well, what else are you going to throw at me, God? And why? Why is this necessary?
Oh He showed me! Trust. Trust. Trust. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I was forced onto a diet I had been researching for months. It worked out great, actually.
So now you know how we made it to 40 weeks. For 10 weeks, I had Non Stress Tests (NSTs) twice a week. If you don't know, gestational diabetes is caused by hormones in the placenta blocking the mother's insulin. If left unmonitored, the baby could be born hypoglycemic. In rare cases, it could be so bad, the baby could seize and even die. Also, during pregnancy, the placenta could stop working at any time. Hence the NSTs and strict diet. I learned all of this from my doctors and midwives. One of my midwives was quite stern with me to help me grasp the gravity of the situation and why diet and exercise in this condition were so important.
Another risk with gestational diabetes is a large baby. I kept reminding my doctor that I'm a Dutch girl with a Dutch husband... we are going to have bigger babies. I'm convinced that anything over 7 lbs is big to them. I was also hoping for a vbac and so keeping Baby at a healthy weight would help me achieve this goal. I would not be allowed to go full term. I was scheduled to be induced at 39weeks, 5days.
It was a Friday. I had tried to get as much sleep as I could Thursday night. I wanted my strength up. I was to call one hour before my appointment to make sure they had room for me. As they did not have room for me at that time, I was told to call back in a few hours. When I did call, they told me they would call me. I anxiously sat by the phone all day. I was extremely uncomfortable. I had a lot of round ligament pain. I was ready to meet my new son or daughter. We decided to go out for dinner since I had not prepared anything for that evening. I had expected to be in labor. So we went to Matsumi in Ripon. We thought that as soon as we did something, we would get the call. That's how things usually work, right? Well not so this time. We went to a friend's house to get out of the house. I ended up calling the nurse around 7:30 pm to set a cut off time. I was not about to be called in to be induced at 3am. They said there was no way there would be any openings anymore that evening. Come at 8am and call at 7am to confirm. I am sorry to those of you who knew I was scheduled for Friday and waited anxiously thinking I had been in labor!
Saturday morning. This was it. We dropped Jenni off at a friend's house. It took us from 8am to 1pm to get settled, sign the appropriate paperwork, have all the blood drawn, and finally, get doctor's orders for induction. During that time, a midwife met with me to confirm I really wanted to attempt a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean section). She told me point blank and rather frankly that I was a terrible candiadate. My previous experience with gestational hypertension and now with gestational diabetes put me at risk. Also, my risk for uterine rupture had doubled, not to mention my odds of having a larger baby were higher. Basically what she was saying is there was a very real risk that the baby and/or I could die in this experience. She said the safer option was a c section. Now, I was really second guessing myself at this point. She was a midwife, after all. Midwives as a general rule would rather see me have a natural birth and avoid surgery. I told her I would give what she said some thought. The OB had a similar opinion but surprisingly wasn't as forceful towards surgery. How I came to my decision to continue with a vbac was that I had already been praying about this for weeks and months. I think I had the confidence that God would protect me and my child. And He did because here we are.
My labor began at 130pm. I had begun dilated at 2cm. I had been having contractions and didn't know it all week to get to this point. My labor is pretty chill until my water breaks. They gradually started increasing my pitocin. Apparently pitocin is indeed the drug they can use to induce labor during gestational diabetes but there are other drugs they may not use. At some point, there was a shift change and a new midwife and OB came on. I was so happy to see that the midwife who had delivered Jenni was on. Her name is also Jennie. She jokes about how we named our daughter after her and I'm OK with that. She's a special lady. It made me feel much more at ease to have at least one person I recognized go thru this again. When I reached 5cm at about 3 or 4pm, Jennie was ready to break my water. The epidural was offered. Now, I knew that the anesthesiologist was busy elsewhere and I thought that I'd be OK for awhile without the epidural. Oh my word, was I wrong. I totally didn't take into account that my body would release more hormones in addition to the pitocin and those labor pains were no joke. As soon as my water was broken, the REAL contractions started. The other ones were just fake. I was standing and walking and even kind of "dancing" to pass the time. (I was jamming to Nate Ruess -- Grand Romantic.) I couldn't even stand with these contractions and had to do the whole breathing ritual to endure them. Ugh, I felt like such a wimp!
Finally, the anesthesiologist came in. This kind of brought back a bit of the anxiety from the spinal tap I had had a few months prior. I kept reminding myself that I would be receiving pain relief from this poke. The added complication (I mean in my mind ) was having to stay completely still for the administration of the catheter. I had done this before with Jenni. I could do it again. However, these contractions were much more forceful given that I was having a labor inducing drug pumped through my veins at this point. And to add to it, the estimated 30 minutes it should have taken for the epidural to kick in was in actuality. .. 45-50 minutes. When you're watching the clock for timing contractions so that you can prepare yourself for the next wave of pain, you tend to notice these things.
Fast forward a few hours, active labor, still experiencing back pain even with the epidural. At some point, the shift changed again and I got a new nurse. Huh, haven't talked about my nurses. I actually requested to not have a nurse. She was my nurse when I was in the hospital for meningitis and I chose not to be her patient again. One of my nurses that I DID have was awesome. She helped me pass the time by chatting and getting to know me. She also told me about herself (which I liked because I feel strange about one ended conversations ) and that distracted me from the pain I was still experiencing. After her, I had a nurse that I had when I had meningitis. It was weird seeing her face because when she had taken care of me previously, she had to wear a mask. But she remembered me and again, it was comforting to have another person I was familiar with to get this baby out of me. Birth is such a personal thing. By the end of it, I have no shame. They've seen it all and all of me by the end of it.
Since I was experiencing so much back pain, we tried different positions to relieve it. We rolled me onto my left side. That did not feel right. AT ALL. Baby's heart rate dropped suddenly. I felt just totally wrong and he rolled inside me in a oddly painful way. It just felt like I needed to roll back in the worst way. So she gave me oxygen to get his heart rate up again. After a few minutes, we tried the right side and the same thing happened. He was rolled inside me in the wrong way and his heart rate dropped. I was really scared. I thought for a minute I was going to lose him. The heart rate was dangerously low and the nurse even seemed nervous. I was on oxygen for about 30 minutes and that's when she came back and told me we could relax -- the baby's heart rate had returned to the normal range with the healthy accelerations they like to see. Sigh of relief.
Peter was in and out all day long. It was a huge waiting game and I couldn't make him just stay with me the entire time. We arrived at the hospital at 8am and Garrett was not born until 325am ... I just told him to go do his thing. I know that he was feeling a little bit impatient but I kept reminding him "hours versus weeks". I could "end it all" whenever I wanted but I was not willing to go thru the 8 week recovery again just because we were tired of waiting. (And believe me, I was getting just as impatient if not more... I was so uncomfortable). After I received the epidural, I asked him to stay around because it seemed that the contractions were getting worse and that I was progressing much more quickly. I believe I was complete around midnight or 1230am. The nurses checked me and I was told to just wait until the baby engaged.
Well, what does that mean? I never felt that with Jenni. They asked if I was ready to push and I said yes so I started to push. In retrospect, I think I wasn't ready to push but I didn't know any different. I think that's part of the reason her delivery ended the way it did -- my own inexperience. All I knew during this labor was that the epidural was not taking away my back pain. I kept clicking that button and it did not help. At least I was not doing my breathing ritual at this time to get through my contractions. Of course, feeling contractions during labor is necessary, in my opinion. I could not feel my contractions with Jenni and therefore had nothing to push against. Around 130am, my contractions started to get really painful, even with the epidural. I was nigh unto tears and I didn't know what to do because I figured there was nothing to be done. I was in labor. Peter was curled up on the couch (I say curled up because the poor guy was too tall for the thing) and asleep. I didn't want to bother him. Also, I'm the type of person who internalizes (if that's a word) when I'm in pain. I like to be left alone almost because no one else is experiencing the pain and most of the time, no one can help. At 2am, I decided that I could not take it anymore. I was sweating and crying from back pain. I called the nurse and she checked me. Apparently this is what it feels like for the baby to engaged because it was time to start pushing. She started turning all the lights on and getting me positioned. She called the doctor and midwife and assisting nurses. I had to wake up Peter. I did not like that because he did not like that. Even if it was the birth of his child, I think he would rather have slept. Too bad. Pushing sucks and I needed the support. Literally, I needed his support. I started pushing at 240am. The nurse kept telling me "like a BIG POOP!". Ok, I get it but I'd rather not end up with hemorrhoids again so... yeah.
I remember feeling like a champion this time. With Jenni, I just wanted to quit. The entire time. This time, I was cautiously optimistic but for some reason, I felt like a champion. I kept up with 3 pushes per contraction at first and then upped it to as many as I could handle per contraction. My nursing team and midwife were present and kept me encouraged. I was on and off oxygen towards the end. Truth be told, I don't remember why. It may have been to keep Baby's heart rate accelerations going. I was in a bit of denial when they said that I was doing it and that I was progressing. And then they saw the head. Now, I know I had medication but the way that Garrett was engaged, it felt like it was not helping one bit. I just kept going because I kind of had a point to prove. I was not going to end up in the OR this time. And it appeared to be working! Peter told me recently that in hushed tones while I was pushing, the staff was saying it wasn't going to happen. Well not in my mind!
When they said they could see Garrett's head, they started asking questions like, "do you want a mirror?" Or, "do you want to feel the head?" That's a no from me. I will admire my baby when they come out, thank you. It was just adding to the excitement when the midwife said, "Oh, Baby is a Blondie!"
I can't help but feel like this entire time was a blur. I was tired and excited. I just remember working hard. On oxygen between contractions, off to push. Because I didn't want the mirror or to feel his head, my midwife told me I was going to pull him out. I was going to catch my baby! I was really nervous because I knew he was going to come out slimey and slippery but I was really excited because I DID THIS. And so at 325am, I caught my son. I pulled him up to my heart and cried. He was (and is) beautiful. We were between two names but we both looked at our strong boy and knew the right name was Garrett (which means strong or strength).
My favorite part was hearing Peter call our family members and tell them how proud he was of me. I had just proved a lot of people wrong. I had quite the audience when Garrett was born -- first because he was a surprise baby and second because they all had to see if I would succeed. The energy in that room when he was born was high! I remember everyone cheering, congratulating me, but also giving me space to bond with my newborn son.
He was in perfect health. He just didn't cry hard enough and that was a little but concerning. So the baby nurse took him for a bit to the other side of the room to get him to cry and make sure his airways were 100% clear. Then he came back to me.
He was not great nursing right away so between starting with nursing and the post labor cramps... That was painful. I remember always just looking down at him and feeling so proud. I think I felt a little bit of guilt because I was so proud of his birth and so "ashamed" of Jenni's birth. Of course, I love her but it was an interesting sensation first to be so excited that I successfully pushed Garrett out naturally but then to feel bad about it because I wasn't able to do it the first time.
Post partum is just such an interesting time emotionally. You have all the emotions of excitement because you just gave birth and gave life to another little human who is completely dependent on you. That is so profound to me. But there is also the depression. I don't know how to explain that. I am just being honest that to some extent with both of my children, there was a certain amount of depression following each birth. For me, it wasn't very concerning because I'm familiar with that particular kind of hormonal imbalance in myself. But it is very real. I feel for the women who have had it much more severely than I have experienced. The thing anout hormonal depression is that it is somewhat uncontrollable and a lot times you can't explain why you're sad... You just are. It did pass after Garrett much more quickly than it did for Jenni. Funny thing is, after Garrett, all I wanted to do was MOVE to MI! I did get over that. I love my home. I love my family.
It has taken me 8 months to finish this story. Most of the reason is because having two kids is busy! Some of the reason is because it was emotional. I do know that my perspective has not changed: Good is the Lord and full of kind compassion. He is faithful especially when I am not. I still tear up when I think about that long weekend in the hospital with meningitis. But I also think about where I've been and where I'm going and how God has led me each step of the way and how He is still leading me. May He be forever praised and glorified.
