It has been almost a year since my last blog post. Every time I came back to write a new post, I would get hung up on my last post (Jenni's birth story) and would end up in tears and writer's block. No more. I think the last year has made me a stronger woman.
Recently, I started journaling again. My intention is to have an outlet to write my thoughts that no one necessarily needs to know. It got me thinking about blogging again. I really enjoy writing and I have had quite a few things on my mind that I feel are worth sharing.
I have been reflecting over the last year. It has been the hardest and best year of my life. I LOVE being a mom, in case you can't tell. But to be honest, it comes with its own set of challenges and trials. The one that has been crossing my mind a lot is the problem of identity.
Things are about to get personal. Consider yourself warned.
I just need to share what has been on my heart for the past few months. I have been hung up on losing weight and how I look. I have changed my diet and tried quite a few exercise plans and it seems that there has been little to no change. When I think about how my baby will be a year old and I still have almost all of my baby weight, my heart sinks. No, I would not trade my baby girl for ANYTHING. Not even to be my prebaby weight. Yes, my husband loves me for me and I am so blessed. But it is disheartening to look in the mirror every day and see what I don't want to see. It is shocking to see myself on YouTube walking from the piano to the pew and think, "wow, that's how people see me?". It is frustrating to be uncomfortable in my own skin.
Please don't think that this is because I'm vain. I would just like to be my former self. It seems to me that most women get pregnant, have their baby, and promptly lose the weight. And that's not the case for me.
You may have guessed that this has absolutely consumed me. It consumed me so much that I really got back into makeup. Understand that makeup to me is an art. But for awhile it was quite the obsession. I figured that if I could not control my weight, I could at least have a pretty face. Thankfully, the obsession is over. I still very much enjoy doing makeup but in all the right ways now. I have once again embraced my inner and natural beauty.
Isn't this a struggle for everyone? It may not be how you look or how much you weigh. Everyone has something. It is an identity crisis. Only recently I discovered how incredibly selfish I have been by obsessing over all of this. The world doesn't revolve around me. I'm a grown woman. I am a wife to a wonderful husband. I am a mother to a beautiful daughter. She is the reason I look the way I do and not everyone gets to experience the joy of motherhood. Not everyone gets to experience life growing from within. Perhaps there is a woman out there who is hurting because she will never have that privilege.
My focus shouldn't be on what I weigh or what I look like. Ultimately, that doesn't matter. It is fleeting. My focus should be on being a Christlike, godly wife and loving mother. What will matter is that I have accepted the Gospel (by way of the Holy Spirit) and that I have shared it with my children. My identity isn't in who I am or what I look like but in Christ.
Consider this. The scene is God's throne room. Joshua, the High Priest, stands before God. Satan is also there to accuse him. God rebukes Satan. "Don't you know that I have chosen him?" Joshua is clothed in filthy garments. God orders these garments away and tells Joshua that he has had his sin taken away and that he will have new clothes. He is given a fine turban and fine garments and also a place in God's courts.
Isn't this a beautiful picture of what Christ has done? I was clothed in the filthy rags of my sin. God took away those rags, my sin, and gave them to Jesus to bear. In turn, I have been given the pure white garments of Jesus' perfect acts. In God's eyes, it is just as I have never sinned nor been a sinner.
God SEES me. He sees what I look like. Do you know what He sees? He sees a child of the King who is clothed in the works of Christ. I have been accepted and I am now an heir. These clothes are the best clothes to wear. They fit me perfectly.
I know that my comfort in life and in death is that I BELONG both BODY and soul to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all of my sins.
